Resolve a Conflict, Heal a Relationship...

Talking your way out of conflict...

There are some great models out there for having a successful conversation about differences. The models look simple. Step one, step two, etc. HOWEVER, there is another dynamic to remember about conflict. That is - we get stupid.

Conflict typically sends us to the most primitive part of our brain, the amygdala, home of fight or flight. We can't always reach our best thinking when we most need it. Your emotions, habits or patterns can connect to your vocal chords without a second glance as they race by your best intentions. So, how do we get out of the amygdala and back to our good thinking? Through our hearts.

Here are some preliminary steps to finding out if you are connected to your heart and can access your best thinking.

Are you ready to start talking? Testing the waters....

First, think of a conflict in your life. It doesn't have to be big. Start small you're more likely to succeed. So, while thinking about the conflict...

1)Notice what's going on in you. What are you AWARE of? Changes in breathing? Tension in body? Sweaty palms? Negative internal dialogue? Building an airtight argument? Awareness tells you if something is off with you and whether you ought to be trusting or examining your reactions.
Example: You were discussing the details of a project with a team member. Suddenly you notice that your face feels flushed, your chest has tightened, your jaw is clenched, you're convinced Fred is undermining you and you're questioning his worth as a human being.

2)OK, so you've noticed the signals: "Uh oh...conflict on the horizon." What can you do to sidestep your knee-jerk reactions? GET CURIOUS. Curiosity is a powerful antidote to habituated, judgmental reactions. It jump-starts the process of understanding the other person.
Example continued: Wow, I was fine when I walked in here, what changed? Was it his tone of voice? Was I feeling overwhelmed already and he just added another project to my plate? What else could he mean by that? Hmmmm, he's foaming at the mouth, something's going on...I wonder what it is.

3)Lastly, before you speak, do you feel any empathy or understanding for where this person might be coming from? Or are you drawing a bulls-eye on his nose? Formulating your next argument? Are you still convinced he's out to undermine you? Or can you remember this is the father of Mikey who plays on your son's pee wee team. This is the critical moment where you decide whether you are ready to attempt a conversation about this.
Example continued:
Still feel those knee-jerk reactions? Go back to curiosity and try to put yourself in Fred's shoes or get a neutral third party before starting a conversation.
Feel a connection to Fred? "Oh, yeh, it's Fred; he does this when he's under pressure. I wonder what he needs." You're ready to try a conversation using a sustainable communication model on your own.

"Are you ready?" checklist:

Awareness - are you awake? Curiosity - are you curious? Empathy - are you in touch with others' needs too?

Sustainable Communication models -

These are communication models that walk you through how to have a conversation that keeps you connected to the person you're talking with and raises the likelihood of having a positive outcome for both parties. Check them out on the Interdependence Day website. See Resolve, then Sustainable Communication Models.

Sustainable Communication is about staying connected in the face of conflict.