Resolve a Conflict, Heal a Relationship...

Breaking the silence...speaking up.

The "Pinch" of conflict

We often get a very early warning of conflict through our bodies. Someone will say something and you experience a fleeting sense of contraction, or tension. Often people choose to let it slide and it comes to nothing. But sometimes that moment will team up with other moments and earlier signals and misunderstandings and begin to send you up the Ladder of Inference - a look or word escalates into creative but corrosive doubt that leads to greater and greater assumptions and predictions that may well be false. So, it is helpful to mention the first traces of conflict before it can expand in your mind.

Unfortunately when we feel tension, that tension can color what we say and how we say it. Learning to say something neutral in that first flicker of contraction or tension can save you a lot of time and energy in conflict or wasted speculation.

In close relationships, personal or work, you can sit down with people and come up with an agreed upon neutral phrase that anyone can use to alert others to a first "pinch of conflict". "The pinch" is a code that works well for many - "I just felt a little "pinch" - is there something going on that needs to be addressed?"

Having a code takes conflict out of the purely unknown. It means that you accept that conflict arises and that it is possible to work through it. Using the code means that you are aware and awake - you consciously chose the code instead of a patterned response. A code is a heads up for people to pay attention and please-not-take-offense - the questions are all well intended. A code phrase can be very reassuring to someone who is being questioned about their actions or statements.

Even in "pinch" situations where you do not know someone and do not have a code, you can use a neutral question that you have practiced saying. A good example might be: "I'm noticing some tension. Is there something else going on here that needs to be addressed?"

Try it. Break the pattern of silence and stay connected.