The Purpose of Nonviolent Communication

The purpose of NVC is to promote "natural giving" - giving willingly from the heart. NVC helps us connect with ourselves and each other. It guides us to fully and honestly express ourselves without blame or criticism; and it teaches us to listen empathetically without hearing blame or criticism even when other express themselves in hostile ways.

How Nonviolent Communication Works...

-> Observe the situation upsetting you and describe it in language free of judgment or blame. Avoid labeling yourself or others. ("She's such a pain." might be translated into NVC as: "Five minutes after I sat down to work, she started talking about her mother." Likewise, "I'm so short-tempered, why can't I..." might be translated into "I have 2 hours to complete a 3 hour project..."

-> Understand that external events are only a trigger for, not the cause of, your inner reactions. Take responsibility for your emotions. (Instead of saying "You made me so mad," try "When you talk about your mother while I am trying to work, I felt irritated and tired.") Identify your precise feeling. NVC characterizes feelings as emotional states or physical sensation. "Eager," "angry," and "satisfied," for example, fit that definition. "Betrayed", "ignored," and "misunderstood" do not; they mix emotion, description and assumption, and include a judgment about another's intentions.

-> Connect your feelings with the needs that were unfulfilled in the situation. ("I felt irritated and tired because I need time and quiet to finish this task.") NVC acknowledges not only universal human needs like air, food and exercise, but also complex needs like creative expression, respect and love.

-> Follow up with a specific do-able request. (Would you be willing to wait until lunch to have this conversation?) Avoid vague generalities ("Would you be respectful..."), as the other person will have no way of knowing exactly what new behavior will satisfy you. To avoid sounding reproachful, ask for what you want not what you don't want.

-> Listen carefully to the other person's response and to the feelings and needs their words are expressing, even indirectly. ("You never have time for me!" might be about the person feeling lonely or annoyed because she needs some attention.)

-> Empathize with the other person's feelings and needs. Repeat back what you think is being said, without sounding patronizing or all-knowing. ("Sounds like you might be annoyed at my request because you need to talk about this.")

-> Differentiate between universal human needs and pet strategies for meeting them. Needs are less arguable than strategies. The need to be heard is universal, but wanting a particular person to talk this minute is a strategy that may meet with opposition.

-> Brainstorm strategies that meet everyone's needs. NVC assumes that needs are never in conflict, though the strategies for meeting them often are. (We could talk for five minutes now and then talk again at lunch. Or : We could take a coffee break at 10:30 and talk then. Or: This seems important to you would you be willing to talk with Ann about it if you need to talk this morning?)

-> Be willing to take no for an answer. The difference between a request and a demand lies not in the sweetness of your speech but in whether or not you subtly punish anyone who says no.

excerpted by permission from an article © Katy Butler in Tricycle Magazine


Building trust over time....

It would be great to say: Read this and your communications will work like a magic wand. Unfortunately these are the kinds of skills that take practice; and these are changes that will take time for others to come to trust.

If you have a long standing history of communication that involves blame, criticism, demands or punishment, it will take time for people to come to trust this new way of communicating.

You may well find that you will have to do a lot of "hearing with empathy" - where you are saying back what the other person is feeling and needing, before they will let their defenses down and hear you. (see Who listens first?)

Give yourself the time (and appreciation) for making this shift in consciousness and action. Practice with others. Start a study group. The Center for Nonviolent Communication has great resources for this.

For learning NVC without a trainer go to www.cnvc.org/notrnr.htm

To obtain the 2 tape video set "The Basics of Nonviolent Communication -
an Introductory Training with Marshall Rosenberg, PhD. go to:

cnvc.org/matls.htm#video Order#s VHS nvc 157, PAL nvc 158