1) Observing entails the separation of observation from evaluation. When we combine observation with evaluation, others are apt to hear criticism and resist what we are saying. NVC is a process language that discourages generalizations. Instead, observations are to be made specific to time and context. "Hank has not scored a goal in 20 games." rather than "Hank is a poor soccer player."

2) Feelings - are a common human bond. When we agree to show our humanity and be vulnerable by expressing feelings, we can resolve conflicts more easily. NVC promotes "feeling literacy" by asking us to express actual feelings, not our thoughts, assumptions, evaluations of or blame for those feelings.

3) Needs - are also a common human bond. Needs are the root cause of our feelings. What others say and do may be the stimulus but never the cause of our feelings. When someone communicates negatively, we have four options as to how to receive the message: 1) blame ourselves, 2) blame others, 3) sense our own feelings and needs, 4 ) sense the feelings and needs hidden in the other person's negative message.
Judgments, criticism, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our own needs and values. When others hear criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. The more directly we can connect our feelings to our needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately.
In the course of developing "emotional responsibility" most of us experience three stages: 1) emotional slavery - believing ourselves responsible for the feelings of others, 2) the obnoxious stage - in which we refuse to admit to caring about what anyone else feels or needs, and 3) emotional liberation - in which we accept full responsibility for our own feelings but not the feelings of others, while being aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others.

4) Requests are what we would like someone to do to meet our need. NVC asks for clear, positive language that someone can act on. State what you DO want, not what you don't want. State an action, not an abstract state of being or feeling. The clearer we are about what we want the more likely we are to receive it. It is often helpful to ask what someone has heard rather than assuming they accurately heard what you asked.
A request is not a demand. Requests are received as demands when listeners believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating our desire for them to comply ONLY if they can do so willingly. The objective of NVC is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way; it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone's needs.

Excerpted from Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion
© Marshall B Rosenberg, 1999 - Available from your local bookstore
Reprinted with permission of PuddleDancer Press.
for more information visit www.CNVC.org and www.NonviolentCommunication.com

Key NVC Concepts

The Purpose of NVC is to: promote "natural giving" - giving willingly from the heart. NVC helps us connect with ourselves and each other. It guides us to fully and honestly express ourselves without blame or criticism; and it teaches us to listen empathetically without hearing blame or criticism even when others express themselves in hostile ways.

The use of Non-judgmental awareness or observation - The number one tool in any human being's toolbox is Awareness, free of judgment, evaluation, assumptions, interpretations, etc. Start practicing NVC by simply noticing the communication around you. Being aware and simply observing conflict, rather than reacting to them, is good preparation for practicing NVC.

Judgments, evaluations, assumptions, diagnoses - Any evaluation of others that implies "wrongness" is a "tragic expression of an unmet need". Your evaluation not only obscures your real need, it decreases the likelihood of having that need met and it increases the likelihood of violence. Say your need, not your judgment. Use discernment, "clear seeing", rather than judgment.

Jackal language cuts us off from life and makes it easy to be violent. Jackal has several components that make it identifiable as "life-alienating":

1) it makes moralistic judgments (right/wrong, good/bad) 2) it denies responsibility (Amtssprache: I had no choice...) 3) it makes comparisons (X is "better" rather than "different") 4) it makes demands rather than requests

Giraffe language - speaking from the heart, using observations, feelings, needs and clear requests without implying blame or judgment. It includes hearing with empathy, taking responsibility for your own feelings and being aware of the presence of choice in any situation.

A word about the underlying, dynamic benefits of NVC....

The NVC model is a wonderful opportunity for fruitful self-reflection. As you struggle to shift your language habits, you are pressed to explore, honestly, what's really going on inside you, without judging it. That clarity improves the quality of your inner life, as well as facilitating the resolution of external disputes.