Resolve a Conflict, Heal a Relationship...

OK, so you're speaking...now who listens first?

So, you've brought up a conflict; you're talking. Well, sort of talking. You're having a conversation of retorts. I suspect all of us have experienced them. One person says something and before they are finished the other person has a retort flying back in response. That response gets a retort from the other. Each person feels that with one more comment they will convince the other of their view. If saying it one way doesn't work, they try saying it six or seven or ten different ways.

It doesn't have to get heated, but quite often voice tone and volume starts to change while the pattern remains - Retort, REtort, RETort, RETORT - until someone acquiesces, leaves, slams something down. This is a conversation? It's more like an escalator of retorts. You get on and you get off when you reach your threshold of discomfort - whether you've gotten where you wish to go or not.

There is a very simple device for short circuiting the escalator of retorts. Everyone could do it, but it takes will. One person has to be the first to listen.

Someone has to start listening and keep listening until the other person feels they have been heard and understood.

So, the first step is that you willfully stifle your next retort. Then you demonstrate that you are listening. You get curious and ask a question that clearly expresses that you are trying to understand, rather than convince. You can say back what you heard the person say. You can ask them if that is what they meant.

Never underestimate the power of listening to calm and open up a conversation. You engage someone at a core level when you seek to understand them.

You may find you are the only person in the conversation that knows the importance of listening. In that case, once the other person has been heard and has acknowledged it, you may have to ask them what they are hearing you say, what they think you mean.

It's a dance. Some people will make ready and willing partners. Others will step on your toes. The important thing is that you remember that listening, not convincing, has more power in helping others hear you.

Someone has to listen first. Choose to be that one whenever you can. It's contagious.