Resolve a Conflict, Heal a Relationship...

The Basics - Speaking & Listening

Speaking and Listening....seems pretty simple, but few of us know how to say difficult things in ways that invite understanding. Most of us speak in a way that actually escalates conflict. And when it comes to listening - if it were a species it would be on the endangered list. We tend to listen only until a thought is stimulated, at which point we stop listening and start shaping our response.

Speaking:

We have been raised and supported in ways of speaking and thinking that focus on "Who's right?". We've been praised for being right throughout our lives. It gets us good grades, raises, promotions and fat salaries. And, being right certainly has it's place in action - you want your doctor to replace the correct hip, an engineer to use the right specs for a bridge. But being right and being wrong is too often extended to the person rather than the action. Being right and analyzing what's wrong with others is a near universal sport. But as entertaining, educational or powermaking as it may be...

thinking in terms of "Who's right?" polarizes people and escalates conflict.

Speaking and thinking in terms of "Who's right?" lowers the likelihood of having your needs met. It might give you a rush of momentary satisfaction...but you probably won't get what you want. Or if you do it will breed resentment.
(Click here for global example)

It's not necessarily our positions that create conflict, quite often it's HOW we communicate that can turn differences into conflict.

The elements of speaking that raise the likelihood of having your needs met are:

If this web site were a computer game with the goal being to hack one's way through the volumes of written material on conflict resolution and reduce it to the single most valuable tool you can bring to a conversation it would be: listening

Listening:

Communication is a two way street. It involves not just speaking but listening. Listening ought to be half of the process, but it doesn't show up that way in reality. Most of us prefer to tell our story and be heard, rather than listen. In those moments when we're not actually talking out loud, we're talking inside; we're strategizing, crafting our next argument, or point. We don't hear one another.

In conflict, we need to listen well. We especially need to listen for the unmet needs that are the source of conflict. Learning to hear the underlying needs is much like translating a foreign language. It's more difficult than a foreign language because what you're translating usually has an emotional charge.

Listening well means being truly curious, putting ourselves in the other's shoes and listening for their underlying needs without hearing attack, criticism, blame or judgment, Even when others express themselves in ways that sound very much like attack, criticism, blame and judgment. global example

Sound like firewalking to you? Shifting our patterns of language and thinking is essentially breaking a habit. And it's a habit that much of the rest of society shares and is NOT trying to break. It takes time and practice; which is why it can be helpful in difficult, crucial conversations to have a neutral present. Having no vested interest in the outcome, a neutral is better able to hear both parties and help them hear one another.

It may not be easy, but it is incredibly rewarding when you pull it off - and your learning curve improves with practice and each success. When we can approach conflict openly, with curiosity and a will to understand, it can move us forward in leaps and bounds. Constructive conflict can actually be a catapult to a stronger, more vibrant relationship. Try it.

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