When conflicts arise, we often automatically fall into adversarial, "you vs. me" ways of thinking. This approach will result in a situation where there is a winner and a loser - except that you may well both lose, as the relationship will have been damaged and the problem won't necessarily have been solved for good!

Most of us are aware that there is a more constructive way to deal with conflict. It is sometimes called the cooperative, collaborative or win-win approach and it can be applied to all kinds of conflict, the small everyday ones between individuals as well as the larger ones that divide communities. We call it the common ground approach, whereby the parties involved understand and honor their differences and find a mutually beneficial agreement based on their shared interests - or their common ground.

So, how do we shift from an adversarial to a cooperative or common ground approach? It requires both a shift in attitude and in behavior. We learn how to do it through experience and practice. Here are a few tips to help you:

• Accept that conflicts are a natural part of life: There are seven billion people sharing resources and living together on this planet. Conflict is the natural result of differences in the world. We all have different needs and beliefs and we will always have conflicts.
  
  
• Treat conflict as an opportunity: Conflicts are neither positive nor negative in themselves. It is the way you deal with the situation and the other person that determines the consequences. Conflicts don't have to be destructive. View conflict as an opportunity to grow, learn and improve relationships.
  
  
• Be aware of your initial reaction, take a deep breath: We all have automatic ways that we respond to conflict. We may want to run away, put up our defenses or dig in and fight. Our immediate responses can depend upon who's involved in the conflict and what the situation is. What is important is that you pause before you automatically react to conflict and think about your approach.
  
  
• Choose your approach: You do have choices in your approach to conflict. Sometimes conflicts are just not worth dealing with, or it may be appropriate to resolve a conflict by just saying "no." But for those times when your goal is solving the problem in a positive way, a cooperative approach will serve you best. Realize that you do have the choice between a win-lose approach - focusing on each other as the problem - or a win-win approach - focusing on solving the problem together.
  
  
• Listen and learn: We all want to be heard and understood. If you don't listen, the other person probably won't listen to you. Ask questions and listen until you truly understand the other's point of view. Find out more about each other; conflicts are often based on stereotypes and lack of information.
  
  
• Discover what's important: We tend to have disagreements over our positions - the way we want to do things. But we seldom talk about our interests - the reasons why our positions are important to us. Express your interests honestly, and ask those involved in the conflict about their interests. Often you will find some overlap between their interests and yours. It is in that common ground that you are likely to find solutions.
  
  
• Respect each other: Conflicts can be very emotional. Whatever happens, respect everyone's dignity. A lasting agreement can only hold if the parties grow to trust one another. Take responsibility for your role in the conflict and stay away from blaming as it only creates resentment and anger.
  
  
• Find Common Ground: Finding common ground does not mean settling for the lowest common denominator. It's about generating the highest. Often when people disagree, they meet in the middle and everyone has to compromise. Finding common ground is creating a new, "highest common denominator". Together with those involved in the conflict, identify something you can all aspire to and are willing to work towards.
  
  
• Be creative: There are always many different ways to solve a problem and different ways to meet a need. If there is trust and commitment, there is a possible solution. Generate alternatives and make sure you address the deep issues, not just the superficial symptoms, so that it will be less likely for the same conflict to occur again.
  
  
• A final point...We each make a difference: Working together to find common ground is a learning experience for all involved. It takes courage as it is rarely the easy option, but ultimately it can be the most rewarding one. By choosing to deal with conflict in a non-adversarial manner, you are creating a place where it is safe to disagree and contributing to transforming the way the world deals with conflict.

Reprinted by permission. © Search For Common Ground
- for more information: www.sfcg.org or
- Contact Carole Frampton - Conversations About Conflict Project cframpton@sfcg.org