Resolve a Conflict, Heal a Relationship...

When are feelings more rational than thinking?

The game of "who's right?" is a thinking game...and it is the game most likely to escalate a conflict. We tend to think that if we can express the pure, bell-like clarity of our perfect thinking then the other party will melt into a puddle of "Ohhhhhh. Of course, YOU're right. I'M wrong." Oh, sure. Culturally we're wrong phobic. For many people being wrong is a painful experience. You're a true cultural pioneer if you know that you can be "wrong" and still be a worthwhile human being.

Feelings are a result of needs being met or unmet. They can help us identify our unmet needs (the source of conflict). Uncovering, expressing and meeting needs is the road out of conflict. The more directly we can connect our feelings to our needs, the easier it is for others to respond openly to us.

Think of the way your VCR talks to your television. If you want your video to appear on your television you have to have the TV turned to the channel that talks to the video. The "Who's right?" channel doesn't work in conflict. You have to willfully turn to the "meeting human needs" channel and let the "Who's right?" channel blather on without you.