Ask Questions: Be curious, open and sincere.

Purpose: To gather thorough information in order to understand accurately what the other person means by what she is saying.
Example: You may be doing a task when someone says, in a tone that sounds judgmental, "There is a better way to do that." You can ask the person directly, "Do you feel critical of how I am doing this?"
Avoid: Using a question to transmit information or to entrap others.

Make observations not judgments: Say what you hear, see, and experience not an interpretation.

Purpose: To express and clarify your thoughts, feelings and beliefs about the other person's reactions as well as your own without implying wrongness.
Example: If someone says in an irritated tone that he was too busy to do something he had previously agreed to do, you might make the following statement:
* "I hear you saying you were too busy to do it."
* "I see that you are acting upset with me for expecting you to have gotten it done even though you had agreed to do it."
* "I feel frustrated when you don't do your part because it makes it hard for me and the others. I would really appreciate it if you would get it done."
Avoid: Using a statement or observation as fact or to convince others.

Predict Consequences: Set your own boundaries without trying to control the other person's choices.

Purpose: To create security by telling another person ahead of time how you will react to the different choices she might make.
Example: If someone keeps interrupting you or putting down your ideas, instead of trying to convince the person to listen, you can set a limit using an "If ... then" sentence. One possibility is:
* "If you don't want to hear my idea, then I won't try to make you."
* "If you do want to hear it, then I will be glad to tell you."
Avoid: Using a consequence prediction as an ultimatum to punish or falsely threaten others.